May 29 2022
May. 29th, 2022 12:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
why_me_why_notI have a lot of feelings about Everything Everywhere All At Once. I definitely want to see it again.
I'm having a difficult time getting out to the movies, despite my a-list. My mom is at the point where she cannot be left without someone here to watch her, and that can't be my dad or one of my kids (even though they're technically adults). She's fallen three times in the last couple months, and one night last week had a fever-induced seizure which gave us all quite a scare. And of course none of us knew about it until the next morning when I went to leave for a CROP Walk meeting and I couldn't wake her up. Her fever that morning was 104* and ranged in the 101*-102* range for a few days before it broke. But she's barely been out of bed since, though she is eating and stuff again so that's better than the three weeks in February when she had COVID and didn't eat. But anyway, now I have a baby monitor so I can hear her if I'm in a different room, and my sleep schedule is all whack because I'm up every time I hear something, and I have to get someone to cover me if I need to go somewhere. I'm able to do a lot on zoom, but I still have my dr appts and my dad's dr appts and a Points of Diversity thing I'm doing on Thursday nights, and next Sunday I have to be at church in person because our regular tech person is on vacation plus we have a church board meeting (and I'm the secretary). So I have to get a sibling or an aunt or a cousin to come during those times and then I feel guilty if I ask them to come just so I can go to a movie, but I did get away this week to see Everything Everywhere All At Once. I'm hoping to get out this week sometime, maybe Friday since it's my birthday, but we'll have to see how things play out.
My dad has COVID, though, so that's an extra fun bit of our house right now. He's been extra tired but nothing else out of the ordinary, but when we went for his dr visit on Friday, the PA said his lungs sounded really diminished, even for him. (He's got COPD and emphysema, and cirrhosis of the liver. Living a hard life will do that to you.) So they did a COVID test and it came back positive, so yay. His blood pressure has been worryingly low the past week or so too, so I gotta keep an extra close eye on him. And he's stubborn, so he insisted on cutting the grass in the front yard today since it was the first day we've seen sun in a week.
One of my kids said that when my mom dies, my dad will probably die too. Which is likely true, even though they're not, like, a together forever kinda of love story. They've been divorced since 1988, though they've gotten along pretty well since the grandkids started coming along in 2000. But he's been living with us since February and it's been good.
I feel like a horrible person because there are times when I'm selfishly ready for them to just go ahead and pass away. I know I'll regret feeling like this, and I'm going to be a wreck when it happens, but knowing it's coming and not being able to do anything about it and just kinda being in a holding pattern sucks. The hospice social worker was asking me the other day if we had talked about funeral arrangements and stuff. We figured that stuff out back in 2019 when my mom was diagnosed and spent that month in the hospital and we weren't sure she was going to come home. I mean, we need to revise her will because it says the house and the car go to Davey but we "sold" the car to my brother when his truck died.
I don't know, everything is a mess and stressful and expensive and hard. I don't like it.
I do like movies though. And I stayed up way too late last night watching the new season of Stranger Things. And I've read some good books. And some not-so-good books. And my kids are great. And my pets keep multiplying. (not actually - they're all fixed because it's important to spay and neuter your pets! We currently have a momma and her five babies that we're fostering.) So I guess not everything is so bad.
I'm having a difficult time getting out to the movies, despite my a-list. My mom is at the point where she cannot be left without someone here to watch her, and that can't be my dad or one of my kids (even though they're technically adults). She's fallen three times in the last couple months, and one night last week had a fever-induced seizure which gave us all quite a scare. And of course none of us knew about it until the next morning when I went to leave for a CROP Walk meeting and I couldn't wake her up. Her fever that morning was 104* and ranged in the 101*-102* range for a few days before it broke. But she's barely been out of bed since, though she is eating and stuff again so that's better than the three weeks in February when she had COVID and didn't eat. But anyway, now I have a baby monitor so I can hear her if I'm in a different room, and my sleep schedule is all whack because I'm up every time I hear something, and I have to get someone to cover me if I need to go somewhere. I'm able to do a lot on zoom, but I still have my dr appts and my dad's dr appts and a Points of Diversity thing I'm doing on Thursday nights, and next Sunday I have to be at church in person because our regular tech person is on vacation plus we have a church board meeting (and I'm the secretary). So I have to get a sibling or an aunt or a cousin to come during those times and then I feel guilty if I ask them to come just so I can go to a movie, but I did get away this week to see Everything Everywhere All At Once. I'm hoping to get out this week sometime, maybe Friday since it's my birthday, but we'll have to see how things play out.
My dad has COVID, though, so that's an extra fun bit of our house right now. He's been extra tired but nothing else out of the ordinary, but when we went for his dr visit on Friday, the PA said his lungs sounded really diminished, even for him. (He's got COPD and emphysema, and cirrhosis of the liver. Living a hard life will do that to you.) So they did a COVID test and it came back positive, so yay. His blood pressure has been worryingly low the past week or so too, so I gotta keep an extra close eye on him. And he's stubborn, so he insisted on cutting the grass in the front yard today since it was the first day we've seen sun in a week.
One of my kids said that when my mom dies, my dad will probably die too. Which is likely true, even though they're not, like, a together forever kinda of love story. They've been divorced since 1988, though they've gotten along pretty well since the grandkids started coming along in 2000. But he's been living with us since February and it's been good.
I feel like a horrible person because there are times when I'm selfishly ready for them to just go ahead and pass away. I know I'll regret feeling like this, and I'm going to be a wreck when it happens, but knowing it's coming and not being able to do anything about it and just kinda being in a holding pattern sucks. The hospice social worker was asking me the other day if we had talked about funeral arrangements and stuff. We figured that stuff out back in 2019 when my mom was diagnosed and spent that month in the hospital and we weren't sure she was going to come home. I mean, we need to revise her will because it says the house and the car go to Davey but we "sold" the car to my brother when his truck died.
I don't know, everything is a mess and stressful and expensive and hard. I don't like it.
I do like movies though. And I stayed up way too late last night watching the new season of Stranger Things. And I've read some good books. And some not-so-good books. And my kids are great. And my pets keep multiplying. (not actually - they're all fixed because it's important to spay and neuter your pets! We currently have a momma and her five babies that we're fostering.) So I guess not everything is so bad.
