always been crazy

The fact that there are THREE SEASONS of Murder Under the Friday Night Lights completely blows my mind. What the heck? I expected maybe one season, but that's a lot of murders that circle around American football.

I've been trying to watch more movies and documentaries and new-to-me stuff instead of just rewatching the same things all the time. i just finished the Quiet on Set documentary, and that's a lot to process. I've had a hard time watching iCarly since I read Jennette McCurdy's book, and I'm sure that will extend to several other shows now, and they're all shows that Luna and Maddy like to watch. (Illy is more a Disney kid - we watch so much Zack and Cody, lol)

Along a similar vein, I was thinking the other day about season 6 of The Expanse and how I didn't know going into it about the allegations surrounding Cas Anvar, so I was so shocked and surprised that Alex was killed off, because the series ran pretty close to the books, but I'm glad they did it and I'm glad they didn't recast the character. And I kinda wanna skip forward in the Ty and That Guy podcast to find out what those two have to say about all this. I mean, I guess nothing is stopping me from doing that, so I might add that episode to my podcast queue for tomorrow.

I'm trying to refocus my life on the way I want it to be, instead of the way I feel others are expecting me to be, if that makes sense. Which means more reading, watching, listening to new things, and setting/keeping boundaries. I went on a faith retreat this past weekend and it was definitely what I needed. I'll probably talk about that more at some other point, because it's still processing in my brain.

I did read Lattes and Legends (Travis Baldree). I kept seeing it recommended. I didn't dislike it, but it wasn't something I would have gone out of my way to read. I am currently working through How to Keep House While Drowning by K.C. Davis, which I am actually finding very helpful. I'm thinking of putting up a sign that says "It’s okay, friend. Throw it away." Still trying to learn how to be a minimalist, lol.

Everything still seems to smell like skunk. I ended up throwing out my mattress pad, comforter, and the sheet set that was on my bed. I swear I took like three or showers and still felt like I smelled like skunk, even though my friends promised I didn't. Ughhhh. Silly skunks and their mating season.

1. I know that I've been saying for YEARS that my dad is dying. But apparently he's got more lives than a cat. I feel guilty because more than once I've said I wish he would just go ahead and die, but I honestly feel that way sometimes. I love him and idk what I'll do without him, but I'm tired.

2. My dad's best friend is also in bad shape. Hospice has given him weeks, if that. I'm trying to get my dad to go visit him, but my dad barely leaves the house himself these days. But he does get out of bed most days, which is more than Jimmy is doing, so it really is up to us to go over there.

3. My adopted kid is spiraling and fucking up. I know what it looks like from the outside, but he's avoiding me so I can't sit him down and find out what is going on in his head. It's stressing me out.

4. I'm working my way through some of the movies and documentaries on my list, instead of always just watching reruns of my comfort shows or, like, game show network. If you have anything you think is a must-watch, let me know!

5. Chrissy has taken a month of FMLA to try and get her diabetes back under control and to spend some quality bonding time with the baby, so I'm missing time with that baby for now. I'm still going over there a couple times a week to help with different stuff though.

6. Christina, the 26yo I accidentally adopted, came home last week. Trying to summarize: she's the granddaughter of one of my dad's exes, I knew her way back when and babysat her all the time when she was an infant, then let my ex isolate me and lost touch with that family. We kinda kept in touch over the years after facebook became a thing, but only casually. She's a recovering addict, has a lot of issues with her family, and had three kids who she doesn't have custody of or a relationship with. She found out she was pregnant and got clean, but knew she wouldn't be able to take care of the baby and knew she didn't want the baby being raised in the same environment she had been. Toward the end of her pregnancy (she had only told a few people close to her she was even pregnant; I didn't find out until August and she was due in October), she had some issues and needed me to take her to the hospital one night. So we were in touch pretty much daily after that, and as we got closer to her due date, we spent a lot of time together. She had planned to give baby up for adoption but kept putting off filling out the adoption paperwork. The day before her scheduled csection, she asked if I'd take the baby, which of course I said yes. The csection didn't happen - there was lots of crazyness, but we ended up at University of Virginia Medical Center, which was AMAZING and she had a wonderful birth experience and baby was super healthy. The nurses kept coming in talking about how gorgeous the baby's umbilical cord was, lol. I named the baby and got to cut her cord and got to stay with them while they were there. Tessa (baby girl) had to be monitored for a couple extra days because Christina is on suboxone as a part of her recovery program, but Tessa had no issues. But on about day three, Christina said she wanted to try and keep Tessa. So instead of adopting an infant, I adopted mom and baby. Tessa was born on Halloween (her birth story is pretty great, but that may just be me - I'll put it down in words some day). Christina and Tessa moved in with us, we got Christina in a local therapy group for her addiction recovery and for her mental health issues (bipolar and bpd), got her in with her neurosurgeon for a checkup, got her set up for some healthy mom/baby programs, etcetc. Then she decided she wanted to go stay with her sister, which was a mistake but I was trying to let her make her own decisions even if they were wrong. It lasted about two weeks and then I had to make the eight hour round trip to get them. But they're home now and my baby Tessa is amazing and I love them both so much.

7. I am so wrapped up in my own stuff that everything going on in the wider world seems like background noise, but it seems like the world is still super crazy.

8. Streaming services are getting suckier and I'm ready to just buy some dvd sets and call it a day.

9. The med adjustment is still in progress; I'm still hopeful.

10. I think maybe Mother Nature is playing tricks on us. Everyone around here seems to think the couple inches of snow we got a few weeks back is it for the winter. I think we're in for an ice storm or a blizzard before spring comes.

The devil (or Fate, or whatever you wanna call it) is working hard against me these days, and it's so very frustrating.

Ronnie (my 22yo) and I are going on a New Community Project trip. This is a learning experience tour, so we get to do some fun stuff - like hiking, a fjord cruise, a dogsled demonstration - plus a volunteer work project and learning about environmental issues in Alaska.

This year has been ridiculously one thing after another. Life keeps happening. Now I'm in a situation where we're coming up short paying for everything, and the trip is only one month away, so I'm begging for any help or contributions I can get. I'm asking for direct donations via venmo or paypal (tabbycat6380) or, y'know, mailing a check.

I appreciate anyone who reads this! Thank you for considering!

Donate on Paypal HERE

Donate on venmo HERE

1. Big boobs make yoga difficult for me. (But I love the body balance class I've been doing at the Y! It's a mix of yoga, tai chi, and pilates.)

2. I saw Champions the other night and loved it! I missed out on seeing it with my Special Olympics friends, but that's okay.

3. My gremlin will be 13 next week. THIRTEEN! What the heck. She definitely changed all our lives, and her presence is a constant source of delight and frustration.

4. Harley and I have tickets for Fall Out Boy this summer.

5. I haven't read an actual book in over a month. I miss reading, but I also can't do much these days when it comes to taking in new information.

6. Ronnie and I are going to Alaska this summer as part of a New Community Project learning tour!

7. GRANDBABY! My first human grandbaby is due in 12 days! Her name is Evelyn Louise, and I am beyond excited.

8. There are so many sucky irresponsible pet owners out there! UGH! All the shelters are full. The one I work with had 40 animals come in this week and only 5 get adopted out. That's not counting the extra ones that a bunch of us have that aren't officially shelter/foster animals. And it's the start of kitten season! Spay and neuter your pets, folks.

9. I've been in a depressive slump. I've been at home for weeks basically doing nothing. I know I need to do things, and I even want to get things done, but it just doesn't happen.

10. Debating on watching the show for Daisy Jones and the Six. I loved the audio book, not sure if the show will do it justice.

I have a lot of feelings about Everything Everywhere All At Once. I definitely want to see it again.

I'm having a difficult time getting out to the movies, despite my a-list. My mom is at the point where she cannot be left without someone here to watch her, and that can't be my dad or one of my kids (even though they're technically adults). She's fallen three times in the last couple months, and one night last week had a fever-induced seizure which gave us all quite a scare. And of course none of us knew about it until the next morning when I went to leave for a CROP Walk meeting and I couldn't wake her up. Her fever that morning was 104* and ranged in the 101*-102* range for a few days before it broke. But she's barely been out of bed since, though she is eating and stuff again so that's better than the three weeks in February when she had COVID and didn't eat. But anyway, now I have a baby monitor so I can hear her if I'm in a different room, and my sleep schedule is all whack because I'm up every time I hear something, and I have to get someone to cover me if I need to go somewhere. I'm able to do a lot on zoom, but I still have my dr appts and my dad's dr appts and a Points of Diversity thing I'm doing on Thursday nights, and next Sunday I have to be at church in person because our regular tech person is on vacation plus we have a church board meeting (and I'm the secretary). So I have to get a sibling or an aunt or a cousin to come during those times and then I feel guilty if I ask them to come just so I can go to a movie, but I did get away this week to see Everything Everywhere All At Once. I'm hoping to get out this week sometime, maybe Friday since it's my birthday, but we'll have to see how things play out.

My dad has COVID, though, so that's an extra fun bit of our house right now. He's been extra tired but nothing else out of the ordinary, but when we went for his dr visit on Friday, the PA said his lungs sounded really diminished, even for him. (He's got COPD and emphysema, and cirrhosis of the liver. Living a hard life will do that to you.) So they did a COVID test and it came back positive, so yay. His blood pressure has been worryingly low the past week or so too, so I gotta keep an extra close eye on him. And he's stubborn, so he insisted on cutting the grass in the front yard today since it was the first day we've seen sun in a week.

One of my kids said that when my mom dies, my dad will probably die too. Which is likely true, even though they're not, like, a together forever kinda of love story. They've been divorced since 1988, though they've gotten along pretty well since the grandkids started coming along in 2000. But he's been living with us since February and it's been good.

I feel like a horrible person because there are times when I'm selfishly ready for them to just go ahead and pass away. I know I'll regret feeling like this, and I'm going to be a wreck when it happens, but knowing it's coming and not being able to do anything about it and just kinda being in a holding pattern sucks. The hospice social worker was asking me the other day if we had talked about funeral arrangements and stuff. We figured that stuff out back in 2019 when my mom was diagnosed and spent that month in the hospital and we weren't sure she was going to come home. I mean, we need to revise her will because it says the house and the car go to Davey but we "sold" the car to my brother when his truck died.

I don't know, everything is a mess and stressful and expensive and hard. I don't like it.

I do like movies though. And I stayed up way too late last night watching the new season of Stranger Things. And I've read some good books. And some not-so-good books. And my kids are great. And my pets keep multiplying. (not actually - they're all fixed because it's important to spay and neuter your pets! We currently have a momma and her five babies that we're fostering.) So I guess not everything is so bad.

I've been overweight for like the past 20 years (I blame the boys - after I quit nursing Davey, I gained weight like crazy and then just never dropped it) but I've been relatively healthly with it. Last year, with the severe anemia and having to nap if I walked up/down the stairs and stuff, was miserable. I am genuinely excited to be able to do things like park at the back of the parking lot at the grocery store and take the stairs instead of the elevator and carry the dog/cat food in from the car on my own. Still overweight though. Well insulated for winter, I guess, but I've been having insane hot flashes and I don't even want to imagine what the summer is going to do to me.

Recs:

Perfect by Reioka
Marvel || Dum-E, Tony Stark || 1234
Everything Tony has ever given life to has been perfect. Dum-E knows this, because Tony said so.
Super cute short Dum-E fic

Let Toretto Be Toretto by astolat
Fast & Furious || Brian O'Conner/Dominic Toretto, Letty Ortiz/Dominic Toretto, Brian O'Conner/Letty Ortiz/Dominic Toretto || 7784
A different kind of race.
AU where Dom is running for president, Letty is his wife, and Brian is on their security detail.

On the Value of Clear Communication by withershins
Hockey RPF || Sidney Crosby/Alexander Ovechkin || 4871
Five times the Penguins assumed Sid was dating Geno, and one time the Capitals knew otherwise.

Eye of the Tiger by tielan
Calvin & Hobbes || Calvin/Susie, Calvin & Hobbes || 2318
Calvin isn't sure about this business of passing Hobbes on. However, it may not be up to him.

a home for every season by dirgewithoutmusic
Chronicles of Narnia, LotR || Eowyn & Susan Pevensie, Eowyn/Faramir, Susan Pevensie & Treebeard || 4042
Let’s talk about a Susan who never moved on, who buried her family in English soil and spent the rest of her life trying to find her way home. She did not believe lions were kind, but she always remembered a bow in her schoolgirl hands.
She looked in every old wardrobe she came across. It was casual, everyday– the first day in a new lecture hall, she checked the back of the coat closet. Friends had her over for Christmas dinner and she excused herself to go the bathroom, checked every cabinet and closet, and then headed back in for pudding. She went home with a cute boy she met in a smoky little pub and she checked his wardrobe before she headed home the next morning, heels in hand.
She also went to college, got a political science degree she had to fight for. She got a byline in the local paper, a few ladies’ magazines, then a larger regional publication.
She had mimosa brunches with friends. She read detective novels, never touched fantasy, and finally one day she stepped through an old stone archway barely thinking about it and–-
She was standing in a treeless plain, all yellow grass and blue blue skies.
(Susan Pevensie goes to Middle Earth)
This is so good that I don't even have words.

January was a clusterfuck of awful. I wanted 2022 to be nice and boring, but that was a pipe dream.

Mafra Palace Library Bats - at night, bats patrol this 18th-century library in Portugal in search of book-eating pests

Be Gay, Do Crimes, Turn in Your Homework by xiaq
The Old Guard || Joe/Nicky, Andy/Quynh, Booker/Nile || 22k
Post-Merrick, The Old Guard goes to college, is domestic, deals with some loose ends, and everyone gets a happy ending.

stuck in reverse by crazyassmurdererwall (smartalli)
Teen Wolf || Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Sheriff Stilinski, Jackson Whittemore || 65k
Look, Derek is the worst. Everyone knows that. Their fearless leader is a total and complete failwolf. Which means the rest of them? Are kind of the worst too. They’re a ramshackle, slap dashed, sorry excuse for a pack that’s about a half second away from getting one of them killed. And this is a problem, because Stiles would really like to survive high school. Thanks. Still, nobody deserves what Derek has gone through. Nobody. And it’s about time somebody told him that.

My belly button is SO ITCHY!

I had my surgery on the 11th (total abdominal hysterectomy) and am mostly all healed up from that - it still hurts if I sit or stand for too long, and I get pains if I move too quick in certain ways - but the incision is at that itchy stage of healing and the surgeon had to make my incision bigger than he anticipated (because my uterus was about three times the size it was supposed to be!) so it goes all the way through my belly button and ughhhhhh. But honestly, I already feel so much better, and I just have to work on building up my blood again. My hemoglobin was at 8.2 after surgery and it supposed to be like a 12.

Things otherwise have been crazy. Mom had a seizure, fell, and hit her head, so we called the ambulance and she ended up hospitalized for a couple nights, which of course caused a bunch of paperwork with insurance/hospice. Basically, her tumor is obstructing her kidney which is somehow affecting the way her body processes blood sugar. So it's interesting. And then there's all the stuff with Tim & Jamie & the kids, and RT & Kristina got a house and had to move, and Harley is getting married on New Year's Day. Planning for Ronnie & Miranda's wedding is progressing. And Davey has officially taken over all the house bills, which is weird but makes me proud of him. It is a bit hilarious to listen to him lecture at us to turn off lights and stuff, though. Like, kid, I've been telling you that your entire life!

I'm still seeing basically all the movies, and I'm at 88 books for the year. I did rewatch the first season of The Expanse after reading the book, and it made more sense but I still don't really care for the show. I'm starting the second book now. I do have one more book in the Witcher series to read, which I'm trying to get done before the second season of the netflix series comes out.

Have a few links while I'm here:

24 Quotes on Giving Thanks, Justice, and Radical Gratitude

Devour the Soul, Reaper of Men by MK_Yujji
Star Trek, Doom || Reaper!Bones, Jim Kirk || 26k
A distress call sends the crew of the USS Enterprise to a dark research station where Bones’ past will come to haunt them all. Olduvai may be gone, but its secrets got out first.
This isn't a new read; it's actually one of my all time favorites. So good!

The Dah-Ling Store-It-Yourself by nixajane
Psych || Carlton Lassiter/Shawn Spencer || 43k
The bad news is that one of Lassiter's highest profile arrests has just escaped from prison. The worse news is that his best hope of tracking him down is a sleep-deprived Shawn Spencer.
Never a pairing I thought I would read, but this is super well done. The author has a great way with the tone of the show and the characters.

Something Dumb to Do by poisonivy
Daredevil || Matt Murdock/Franklin "Foggy" Nelson || 33k
If Matt and Foggy get married, Foggy will never be forced to testify against Daredevil. It doesn't mean anything has to change, right?

All Over Again by fmo
Marvel || James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers || 2246
Steve wakes up in 1944, where everyone is still alive. Where Bucky is still alive. It's not as simple as it seems.
short and poignant

haven't left your bed since by heroics
Hockey RPF || Travis Konecny/Nolan Patrick || 6002
"So, is it a rule that all bassists have to be really stoic and hot?" Travis asks. College AU
hot and snarky

it's hard to do these things alone by electrumqueen
Fast & Furious || Brian O'Conner/Dominic Toretto || 11k
Brian doesn't lie to cars. He doesn't lie to Dom either, but that's a newer development.
a reread, but intriguing and evokes so many feelings

jim kirk's guide to starship management: how to work with people you don't like by espressohno
Star Trek || James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy || 23k
step one: don't hook up with them! [edit: author has failed step one]
Excellent!

I've been reading a lot of random stuff, and I don't know when the last time I talked about actual books was. But I'm at 78 books for the year on goodreads (and I have a separate count for all the long fic I've read) so I'm ahead of my sister, which is always a goal.

Not many of my recent reads stand out, but I will recommend The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead, which was really good and I look forward to reading more of his books.

I posted two fics on AO3, mainly to get them out of my WIP folder, and while they're technically unfinished, they can be read a complete with an ambiguous ending.

Leaving Our War Behind
Roswell New Mexico || Past Michael/Alex, implied Maria/Michael || 6730 words
Still, he's disconnected here. It’s no secret he’s never been close to his family, but after Caulfield, he feels he’s completely cut off. The tentative relationship he was rebuilding with Kyle was damaged by the knowledge of what happened to Jim, what role the Manes family played in that. Liz is a little preoccupied, what with Rosa being alive and Max currently being not. And Michael and Maria - well, Alex is happy for the two of them. Really. He and Michael have always been a trainwreck, more Shakespearean tragedy than fairy tale.
Written after season 1, because I gave up on the show pretty early on in season 2, and it definitely didn't go the way I thought it would. But I like what I do have. And it comes with a bonus soundtrack of sorts? my spotify playlist that goes with writing it

Feel the burn, lesson never learned
Stranger Things || Billy-centric || 11,780 words
Billy accidentally finds some friends, and a place in Hawkins. He's still an asshole and Indiana winters still suck.
Written after season 2, and also didn't go the way I thought it would, go figure.

Fic Recs:

Hanging on the Telephone by enemyfrigate
Justified || Raylan Givens/Tim Gutterson || 11k
After Raylan moves back to Miami, Tim starts calling him, and he and Raylan connect in ways impossible in Kentucky. Or, Raylan and Tim share several phone calls,a couple of visits, and some secrets.

Missed You By a Few Minutes, a Few Centuries by just_another_tinkerThe Old Guard || Joe/Nicky || 115kNicolò di Genova was killed on one of the endless mornings of The Crusades, struck down by a scimitar. He woke again later that evening. Yusuf al-Kaysani bled out hours later from wounds left by a sword. He woke again that next morning. A person often meets his destiny on the road he chose to avoid it. Alternatively, Nicky and Joe's second meeting was over 900 years too late. And neither one knows the other is immortal, or that they've already met.

Links to Share:

Why Do You Say You Love Jesus? - I’m interested in a reality where “loving Jesus” is the beginning, not the end, of my faith: one where I see the poor, my livelihood, and my relationship with every other living creature through the lens of Christ.

The Dangerous Things Christians Say to Depressed People

If mRNA vaccines are so great, why don't we have one for HIV yet?

Love & Basketball: For Your Heart - a great essay by Roxanne Gay related to one of my all time favorite movies

A Hungry Rhino Escaped His Pen to Munch on Grass

At 100, The National Park Service's Oldest Active Ranger is Still Going Strong

Elvira (Cassandra Peterson) Comes Out

Links

NASA Helps Celebrate Star Trek Creator Gene Roddenberry's Centennial

Aretha Franklin Biopic ‘Respect’ Highlights Dangers of Patriarchy

For Kenya’s orphaned elephants, goats to the rescue!

DaBaby, Lil Nas X, and the Future of Homophobia in Hip-Hop

A Major Report Warns Climate Change Is Accelerating

Bats Love To Babble — Just Like Humans

Fic Rec:

twisted rings and failed dreams by shatteredhourglass
Marvel || James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton || 14k
“You’re right,” Steve says. “The only people he talks to are you, me, Natasha, Bruce-”
“-who’s offworld,” Tony finishes. “So that just leaves…”
“I’m going to set fire to your bed,” Bucky snarls.
“I’m going to piss in your dumb hipster shoes,” Clint snaps back, frowns as he realizes Steve and Tony are staring at them. He mentally backtracks through the conversation that’s been going on while he and Bucky were bickering, and-
“Oh, fuck no,” he says. “Please don’t make me marry him. Steve."
snarky boys are my favorite.