always been crazy

Everything still seems to smell like skunk. I ended up throwing out my mattress pad, comforter, and the sheet set that was on my bed. I swear I took like three or showers and still felt like I smelled like skunk, even though my friends promised I didn't. Ughhhh. Silly skunks and their mating season.

1. I know that I've been saying for YEARS that my dad is dying. But apparently he's got more lives than a cat. I feel guilty because more than once I've said I wish he would just go ahead and die, but I honestly feel that way sometimes. I love him and idk what I'll do without him, but I'm tired.

2. My dad's best friend is also in bad shape. Hospice has given him weeks, if that. I'm trying to get my dad to go visit him, but my dad barely leaves the house himself these days. But he does get out of bed most days, which is more than Jimmy is doing, so it really is up to us to go over there.

3. My adopted kid is spiraling and fucking up. I know what it looks like from the outside, but he's avoiding me so I can't sit him down and find out what is going on in his head. It's stressing me out.

4. I'm working my way through some of the movies and documentaries on my list, instead of always just watching reruns of my comfort shows or, like, game show network. If you have anything you think is a must-watch, let me know!

5. Chrissy has taken a month of FMLA to try and get her diabetes back under control and to spend some quality bonding time with the baby, so I'm missing time with that baby for now. I'm still going over there a couple times a week to help with different stuff though.

6. Christina, the 26yo I accidentally adopted, came home last week. Trying to summarize: she's the granddaughter of one of my dad's exes, I knew her way back when and babysat her all the time when she was an infant, then let my ex isolate me and lost touch with that family. We kinda kept in touch over the years after facebook became a thing, but only casually. She's a recovering addict, has a lot of issues with her family, and had three kids who she doesn't have custody of or a relationship with. She found out she was pregnant and got clean, but knew she wouldn't be able to take care of the baby and knew she didn't want the baby being raised in the same environment she had been. Toward the end of her pregnancy (she had only told a few people close to her she was even pregnant; I didn't find out until August and she was due in October), she had some issues and needed me to take her to the hospital one night. So we were in touch pretty much daily after that, and as we got closer to her due date, we spent a lot of time together. She had planned to give baby up for adoption but kept putting off filling out the adoption paperwork. The day before her scheduled csection, she asked if I'd take the baby, which of course I said yes. The csection didn't happen - there was lots of crazyness, but we ended up at University of Virginia Medical Center, which was AMAZING and she had a wonderful birth experience and baby was super healthy. The nurses kept coming in talking about how gorgeous the baby's umbilical cord was, lol. I named the baby and got to cut her cord and got to stay with them while they were there. Tessa (baby girl) had to be monitored for a couple extra days because Christina is on suboxone as a part of her recovery program, but Tessa had no issues. But on about day three, Christina said she wanted to try and keep Tessa. So instead of adopting an infant, I adopted mom and baby. Tessa was born on Halloween (her birth story is pretty great, but that may just be me - I'll put it down in words some day). Christina and Tessa moved in with us, we got Christina in a local therapy group for her addiction recovery and for her mental health issues (bipolar and bpd), got her in with her neurosurgeon for a checkup, got her set up for some healthy mom/baby programs, etcetc. Then she decided she wanted to go stay with her sister, which was a mistake but I was trying to let her make her own decisions even if they were wrong. It lasted about two weeks and then I had to make the eight hour round trip to get them. But they're home now and my baby Tessa is amazing and I love them both so much.

7. I am so wrapped up in my own stuff that everything going on in the wider world seems like background noise, but it seems like the world is still super crazy.

8. Streaming services are getting suckier and I'm ready to just buy some dvd sets and call it a day.

9. The med adjustment is still in progress; I'm still hopeful.

10. I think maybe Mother Nature is playing tricks on us. Everyone around here seems to think the couple inches of snow we got a few weeks back is it for the winter. I think we're in for an ice storm or a blizzard before spring comes.

The devil (or Fate, or whatever you wanna call it) is working hard against me these days, and it's so very frustrating.

Ronnie (my 22yo) and I are going on a New Community Project trip. This is a learning experience tour, so we get to do some fun stuff - like hiking, a fjord cruise, a dogsled demonstration - plus a volunteer work project and learning about environmental issues in Alaska.

This year has been ridiculously one thing after another. Life keeps happening. Now I'm in a situation where we're coming up short paying for everything, and the trip is only one month away, so I'm begging for any help or contributions I can get. I'm asking for direct donations via venmo or paypal (tabbycat6380) or, y'know, mailing a check.

I appreciate anyone who reads this! Thank you for considering!

Donate on Paypal HERE

Donate on venmo HERE

I have a lot of feelings about Everything Everywhere All At Once. I definitely want to see it again.

I'm having a difficult time getting out to the movies, despite my a-list. My mom is at the point where she cannot be left without someone here to watch her, and that can't be my dad or one of my kids (even though they're technically adults). She's fallen three times in the last couple months, and one night last week had a fever-induced seizure which gave us all quite a scare. And of course none of us knew about it until the next morning when I went to leave for a CROP Walk meeting and I couldn't wake her up. Her fever that morning was 104* and ranged in the 101*-102* range for a few days before it broke. But she's barely been out of bed since, though she is eating and stuff again so that's better than the three weeks in February when she had COVID and didn't eat. But anyway, now I have a baby monitor so I can hear her if I'm in a different room, and my sleep schedule is all whack because I'm up every time I hear something, and I have to get someone to cover me if I need to go somewhere. I'm able to do a lot on zoom, but I still have my dr appts and my dad's dr appts and a Points of Diversity thing I'm doing on Thursday nights, and next Sunday I have to be at church in person because our regular tech person is on vacation plus we have a church board meeting (and I'm the secretary). So I have to get a sibling or an aunt or a cousin to come during those times and then I feel guilty if I ask them to come just so I can go to a movie, but I did get away this week to see Everything Everywhere All At Once. I'm hoping to get out this week sometime, maybe Friday since it's my birthday, but we'll have to see how things play out.

My dad has COVID, though, so that's an extra fun bit of our house right now. He's been extra tired but nothing else out of the ordinary, but when we went for his dr visit on Friday, the PA said his lungs sounded really diminished, even for him. (He's got COPD and emphysema, and cirrhosis of the liver. Living a hard life will do that to you.) So they did a COVID test and it came back positive, so yay. His blood pressure has been worryingly low the past week or so too, so I gotta keep an extra close eye on him. And he's stubborn, so he insisted on cutting the grass in the front yard today since it was the first day we've seen sun in a week.

One of my kids said that when my mom dies, my dad will probably die too. Which is likely true, even though they're not, like, a together forever kinda of love story. They've been divorced since 1988, though they've gotten along pretty well since the grandkids started coming along in 2000. But he's been living with us since February and it's been good.

I feel like a horrible person because there are times when I'm selfishly ready for them to just go ahead and pass away. I know I'll regret feeling like this, and I'm going to be a wreck when it happens, but knowing it's coming and not being able to do anything about it and just kinda being in a holding pattern sucks. The hospice social worker was asking me the other day if we had talked about funeral arrangements and stuff. We figured that stuff out back in 2019 when my mom was diagnosed and spent that month in the hospital and we weren't sure she was going to come home. I mean, we need to revise her will because it says the house and the car go to Davey but we "sold" the car to my brother when his truck died.

I don't know, everything is a mess and stressful and expensive and hard. I don't like it.

I do like movies though. And I stayed up way too late last night watching the new season of Stranger Things. And I've read some good books. And some not-so-good books. And my kids are great. And my pets keep multiplying. (not actually - they're all fixed because it's important to spay and neuter your pets! We currently have a momma and her five babies that we're fostering.) So I guess not everything is so bad.

January was a clusterfuck of awful. I wanted 2022 to be nice and boring, but that was a pipe dream.

Mafra Palace Library Bats - at night, bats patrol this 18th-century library in Portugal in search of book-eating pests

Be Gay, Do Crimes, Turn in Your Homework by xiaq
The Old Guard || Joe/Nicky, Andy/Quynh, Booker/Nile || 22k
Post-Merrick, The Old Guard goes to college, is domestic, deals with some loose ends, and everyone gets a happy ending.

stuck in reverse by crazyassmurdererwall (smartalli)
Teen Wolf || Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Sheriff Stilinski, Jackson Whittemore || 65k
Look, Derek is the worst. Everyone knows that. Their fearless leader is a total and complete failwolf. Which means the rest of them? Are kind of the worst too. They’re a ramshackle, slap dashed, sorry excuse for a pack that’s about a half second away from getting one of them killed. And this is a problem, because Stiles would really like to survive high school. Thanks. Still, nobody deserves what Derek has gone through. Nobody. And it’s about time somebody told him that.

My belly button is SO ITCHY!

I had my surgery on the 11th (total abdominal hysterectomy) and am mostly all healed up from that - it still hurts if I sit or stand for too long, and I get pains if I move too quick in certain ways - but the incision is at that itchy stage of healing and the surgeon had to make my incision bigger than he anticipated (because my uterus was about three times the size it was supposed to be!) so it goes all the way through my belly button and ughhhhhh. But honestly, I already feel so much better, and I just have to work on building up my blood again. My hemoglobin was at 8.2 after surgery and it supposed to be like a 12.

Things otherwise have been crazy. Mom had a seizure, fell, and hit her head, so we called the ambulance and she ended up hospitalized for a couple nights, which of course caused a bunch of paperwork with insurance/hospice. Basically, her tumor is obstructing her kidney which is somehow affecting the way her body processes blood sugar. So it's interesting. And then there's all the stuff with Tim & Jamie & the kids, and RT & Kristina got a house and had to move, and Harley is getting married on New Year's Day. Planning for Ronnie & Miranda's wedding is progressing. And Davey has officially taken over all the house bills, which is weird but makes me proud of him. It is a bit hilarious to listen to him lecture at us to turn off lights and stuff, though. Like, kid, I've been telling you that your entire life!

I'm still seeing basically all the movies, and I'm at 88 books for the year. I did rewatch the first season of The Expanse after reading the book, and it made more sense but I still don't really care for the show. I'm starting the second book now. I do have one more book in the Witcher series to read, which I'm trying to get done before the second season of the netflix series comes out.

Have a few links while I'm here:

24 Quotes on Giving Thanks, Justice, and Radical Gratitude

Devour the Soul, Reaper of Men by MK_Yujji
Star Trek, Doom || Reaper!Bones, Jim Kirk || 26k
A distress call sends the crew of the USS Enterprise to a dark research station where Bones’ past will come to haunt them all. Olduvai may be gone, but its secrets got out first.
This isn't a new read; it's actually one of my all time favorites. So good!

The Dah-Ling Store-It-Yourself by nixajane
Psych || Carlton Lassiter/Shawn Spencer || 43k
The bad news is that one of Lassiter's highest profile arrests has just escaped from prison. The worse news is that his best hope of tracking him down is a sleep-deprived Shawn Spencer.
Never a pairing I thought I would read, but this is super well done. The author has a great way with the tone of the show and the characters.

Something Dumb to Do by poisonivy
Daredevil || Matt Murdock/Franklin "Foggy" Nelson || 33k
If Matt and Foggy get married, Foggy will never be forced to testify against Daredevil. It doesn't mean anything has to change, right?

All Over Again by fmo
Marvel || James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers || 2246
Steve wakes up in 1944, where everyone is still alive. Where Bucky is still alive. It's not as simple as it seems.
short and poignant

haven't left your bed since by heroics
Hockey RPF || Travis Konecny/Nolan Patrick || 6002
"So, is it a rule that all bassists have to be really stoic and hot?" Travis asks. College AU
hot and snarky

it's hard to do these things alone by electrumqueen
Fast & Furious || Brian O'Conner/Dominic Toretto || 11k
Brian doesn't lie to cars. He doesn't lie to Dom either, but that's a newer development.
a reread, but intriguing and evokes so many feelings

jim kirk's guide to starship management: how to work with people you don't like by espressohno
Star Trek || James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy || 23k
step one: don't hook up with them! [edit: author has failed step one]
Excellent!

So there's been a lot going on, and it's got me in my head and a bit messed up, so I keep putting off writing about it. Spent the weekend of my birthday in the hospital. Had gone for routine bloodwork, and the next morning while I was preparing to leave for Pittsburgh, my dr office called first thing and told me to go straight to the ER. My hemoglobin level was at 6.5, when it's supposed to be at or above an 11 or 12. I've been anemic for a while, but never that low. So, lots of blood work and waiting around and whatnot, got a blood transfusion and an iron transfusion. My hemoglobin was up to 7.4 when I left the hospital. (It was 8.7 when I was at hematology two weeks ago and 9.1 yesterday.) No visible bleeding, so I got a referral to hematology, gastro, and ob/gyn. But it's got me in a bad headspace, between missing my Pittsburgh weekend, thinking about the bills I'm already racking up, and knowing the number of phone calls this is going to entail. Plus, everyone asking me how I am, which is emotionally exhausting.

Someone hit Davey's car yesterday. Apparently this old guy missed his turn so he stopped and backed up in the middle of the road and ran right into the front of the challenger. Davey is so upset, obviously, even though the damage is minor.

This morning, Miranda passed out in the hallway at home and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. This happens sometimes, and the drs have yet to figure out why.

Mom is not doing well. I keep trying to convince my siblings that they need to get over here and spend time with her. She wants to keep working until January (when she'll be eligible for retirement) but I'm trying to convince her that she can stop now, or at the end of the summer at the latest.

The boys and I (and their girlfriends) went to see F9 the other night. It was so ridiculous, not that I expected anything else, but seeing the F&F movies at the theater is a tradition for us. (Leah and Miranda have never seen any of the others, but they didn't want to be left out.) I've missed the movies.

Recs:

I recently finished The Line That Held Us by David Joy and American Dirt by Jeannine Cummins, and thoroughly recommend both.

Epiphany by Minxie
Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1 || Cameron Mitchell/John Sheppard || 20k
It takes months, but John finally has an epiphany.
I have this marked to rec so apparently I really liked it. BDSM

Links:

Alabama Coal Miners Are Striking for Their Lives

The Cocaine Kings of the Pittsburgh Pirates

Grandmother of Juneteenth celebrates federal holiday -- but there is still more work to do

Her Kind of Blue: Joni Mitchell's Masterpiece at 50

Jaccob Slavin Recognized for Elite and Gentlemanly Play ♥

A Lobster Diver in Cape Cod Says a Humpback Whale Scooped Him Up and Spat Him Out

T.J. Osborne Talks Brothers Osborne, Coming Out, and 'Younger Me'

I was reading a SGA/H50 crossover and while I liked it, I kept getting tripped up every time Danny was mentioned. An AU about a sci fi show requires a lot of suspension of belief, but there is no conceivable universe in which Danny Williams willingly leaves Grace. (There was no mention of Grace at all, so maybe this was a reality in which she didn't exist, but then Danny would never have gone to Hawaii.)

I've finished a couple of books, including a YA book called Echo by Pam Muñoz Ryan that I really enjoyed. I'm currently reading Tower of Swallows from the Witcher series and Stumbling Into Grace by Lisa Harper, and listening to The Night Watchman by Louise Erdrich.

I read the last chapters of Prince Caspian to my children today. I may have mentioned this before, but if not, since the pandemic, I've been doing daily videos for my kids (the church's children) on our private fb group in addition to Sunday school lessons. It's a lot of books, lol. While most of them are obviously short children's books, I've also done a couple chapters at a time from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and Prince Caspian. Trying to decide now if I want to go on to Voyage of the Dawn Treader, or switch to another favorite like The Hobbit or the first Harry Potter book, or pick something more kid-like, maybe the Ralph books or the Bunnicula series.

Links:

First vaccine to fully immunize against malaria builds on pandemic-driven RNA tech

The Desperate Plea of the Hellbender (Don't build cairns when you're out hiking!)

an interesting article about the series finale of Lost

Levar Burton talking about the Dr Seuss thing

what a way to make a living by attheborder
Good Omens || Aziraphale/Crowley || 5557
Without any more assignments coming from Downstairs, Crowley is struck with a bad case of the doldrums. It takes a bit of trial and error, but eventually a solution is found. (Or: the one where Crowley becomes an Uber driver.)
Not only was this a fun read, but I really appreciated the writing style!

States Bound! The SHS Wrestling team has 8 kids headed to states, and 5 alternates! Despite everything, I can't help but be super proud and super excited! I miss the chaos of wrestling seasons and tournaments, but it was nice to be able to watch the regional matches via youtube while I was in bed in my jammies today. No pre-dawn drives, no large crowds, no running back and forth from one mat to another, no utter exhaustion afterward. States is in two weeks, no spectators allowed. It's weird, but everything is now. And one of this year's seniors already signed to Roanoke College with a wrestling scholarship, so that's awesome.

I realized today one of the things that's been bothering me about the school arguments. The pandemic is highlighting issues with schools in general, and disparities in school districts, and underfunding, and all kinds of stuff. I am 100% behind teachers and parents not wanting to return to school without feeling safe. Most districts cannot do this. But what was throwing me is that I support my school district being in-person and at the same time think being back to in-person school is Not A Good Thing for most places. I think I sorted it out in my head now though.

Salem (where my kids went, where several of my littles go now) has always been extra. They have always put priority on their school system, which is one of the reasons I paid for my kids to stay there after we moved out of district. Even before the pandemic, they had generally smaller class sizes - elementary school classes tried to stay under 15 kids per classroom, middle/high schools no more than 20 or 22 for classes other than specials (band, choir, ece, the auto classes, etc, all had more than that, I think). So when they needed to make smaller classes to meet guidelines for social distancing, etc, it was easier. Salem teachers are also better paid than others in this area, and even though the teachers obviously pay out of pocket for stuff (like all teachers) they get supplied more than others. For example, most teachers I know in other districts have limited numbers of copies available to them per month or whatever. One of the community businesses in Salem covers all copy costs for the schools - supply the copiers, provide the upkeep, donate paper and toner, etc) so the teachers, admin, ptsa all have unlimited copies. The community had several organizations donate cleaning supplies and stuff to the schools (apparently there are school districts where the teachers had to supply their own supplies to keep their rooms clean and sanitized? that baffles me), one donated masks for all the students and staff, the ptsa organized for all the students to get reusable water bottles and provided a stockpile of bottled water for each school since the water fountains are off limits. Salem is small, like 15 square miles, so there is internet/wifi everywhere. Students who are partial or completely distance learning have school provided chrome books. Salem opened schools in September. All families were given the option of full online learning. For in-person, preK-2 go 5 days per week until 1:15. Some kids have IEPs so they have a special schedule, like Illy, who goes Mon-Thurs until 1:15. Grades 3-12 go two days a week (either Mon/Thurs or Tues/Fri - until 2:15 at the elementary school, to stagger the buses) and have online assignments the other days. There have been a few instances of COVID (contracted from an outside source), but for the most part, it's worked well. But I KNOW this model doesn't work for everyone, and Salem is so so lucky it works for them.

Anyway.

Have a link to read I found interesting this morning: The Strange Blissfulness of Storms

( and a handful of small fic recs )

My post yesterday was very negative. I figure I should probably go the opposite way and mention some of the good things that happened this last week.

♥ our new cousin Liam

♥ the kids made dinner each day this week

♥ got the new kitchen floor installed

♥ when I went by Ronnie & Miranda's (this was actually the week before) and went to cuddle Binx (one of my grandkitties), he put a paw on each of my cheeks and started licking my chin, which is one of the cutest things ever

♥ during our Saturday Check In (which is really just a zoom call with church folks catching up), our Pastor's kitten kept jumping on the laptop and putting her face in the camera

♥ several of the most important folks in my life have gotten their first dose of the vaccine! And one of our church folks was working the vaccination clinic this weekend and was able to get several of our folks on the list for the "extra" vaccines at the end of the day

♥ I started watching Lucifer and I love it!

♥ the inauguration!

♥ the engagement ring that Ronnie ordered came in (he's proposing on Valentine's Day since that's their anniversary)

♥ Walker Texas Ranger premiered! (I haven't watched it yet, but YAY! for JPad!)

♥ the nurse at Illiana's elementary school texted me several times to check on me and see if I need anything (she's so great; I love her)

♥ hockey is back! #hockeyisaliferuiner

♥ the girls have been facetiming me most days since they can't be here