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Spend three hours at the courthouse this afternoon just for them to reschedule the hearing for November because they weren't able to locate my ex to serve him. Um, dumbasses. I didn't even call this hearing, DCSE did, and I could have told you that if you go to his sister's house, which is his address on record, she'll tell you she doesn't know where he is even though he was probably in the back room. Also, trying to garnish his wages isn't going to do anything because HE DOESN'T WORK! *rolls eyes* Seriously, my life would be so much simpler if that car had killed him.

Anywho. I'm still being avoidant! And nonproductive! But I did get about six more boxes of books out of storage, and a couple boxes are full of paperback romance novels from like ten years ago, haha. I have a bad habit of reading the summaries and substituting the names with my current pairing of choice, to see if I like the idea or not (whatever, some of yall do the same thing). So I asked twitter for pairings and I'm gonna pick a random book and give you a summary with that pairing! Class discussion encouraged in comments!

Two people said Clint Barton/Phil Coulson (which, by happy coincidence, is my current favorite pairing too!), and the first book I picked up is called By The Book, so:

Phil Coulson would love nothing more than to have a wild night with his downstairs neighbor, Clint Barton. When he accidentally discovers that Clint's bought a how-to manual on "pleasing" men, he knows a wild night is out of the question! But when Clint asks him for lovemaking lessons, Phil knows he must do his part for all men and make him the best lover ever - and he'll do it by the book...

Embarrassed just doesn't describe how Clint feels when his sexy neighbor sees his first book, Sex for Total Morons. He knows he's a master in the bedroom, but judging by the sudden pitying expression, Phil doesn't. Fortunately for him, Clint isn't about to let this opportunity pass by. Phil's a teacher, so there's no way he'd refuse to teach Clint all the ins and outs of sex!

I also got two Liam/Louis, and I don't know anything about 1D. But fake husbands are always good, right, if we pretend the 1D boys are like five or ten years older? Lol. So, Counterfeit Husband:

It was the only way Liam could protect himself from a lecherous business rival on a luxury cruise. But what "husband" could Liam trust to spend every day - and every night - in skimpy cruise wear and one cramped stateroom? 1-800-HUSBAND was good, but not even Liam could believe the husband they sent would know him better than he knew himself... would be his ex-husband Louis!

(Yes, I totally used to read this stuff, idek.) Um, one more, for now? jackiesjunkie said Beecher/Keller (I have been totally craving an OZ rewatch, thanks for the reminder) and I don't know if I can put their names into one of these because I am quite familiar with that pairing and it just doesn't fit in my head. But we'll try? The Tender Barbarian:

Spinster schoolteacher Tobias Beecher was a bit old-fashioned and quite demure - until Chris Keller roared into his life on his motorcycle. Tobias did his best to send Chris packing, but his tenderness captured her. Now Tobias wondered whether there was a bit of the barbarian in everyone...

I've got more books here, so feel free to give me some more pairings. Or tell me how these summaries *points above* would play out. (I don't usually do AU ideas with fictional characters, but I love all AUs that are RPF? I'm weird, idk. That may be why I had a hard time with Beecher/Keller, because their actual story is more than enough for me.)

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Substituting names in romance novel summaries with fandom pairings: One Dimension Edition

For harriet_vane and the rest of you crazy 1D people. (I still don't know who anyone is in 1D! I haven't even watched the iCarly episode yet!) Liam/Louis

Baby Jane Doe: After catching his fiance in the arms of another, the last thing Liam expected to also happen on New Year's Eve was to find an abandoned baby. Or to feel such an instantaneous connection to the little girl and the handsome police detective. Or to agree to marry Detective Louis in order to adopt the baby.

Just Desserts: Reporter Liam knows a juicy story when he hears it. But he never meant to get a cute pastry chef fired in order to get the facts. Now undercover at a chichi resort, he needs some inside information. The bad part? He needs Louis's help, and Louis is more interested in cream puffs than his investigation. If he could only make him see things between them aren't just desserts.

Deep Cover: Louis was in for a shock when an injured Liam convinced him to take him on vacation. He allowed his childhood nemesis to hide out at his summer retreat, but not before vowing to use the opportunity to uncover Liam's deep secret.

Stranded: Louis stopped to help the driver of a stalled RV and found himself stranded in the desert with Liam. He didn't mind spending a few hot days - and nights - together. With any luck, the tow truck would never come.

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Substituting names in romance novel summaries with fandom pairings: Clint/Coulson Edition

Too Many Grooms: When daredevil Clint Barton was told he was dying, he did the honorable thing - and jilted Phil Coulson so he wouldn't have to witness his demise. Trouble was, two years later Clint felt downright healthy. And when he realized he'd been misdiagnosed, he was fit to kill. Clint found Phil again, but his longtime sweetheart was in a wedding tux - and at the altar! No doubt he was still furious about how Clint had vanished, but Clint was ready to do anything to win his heart again. So he shoved aside groom number two and whisked Phil back down the aisle before he could say I do.

When the Lights Go Out: Phil Coulson isn't thrilled his roommate's arranged a blind date for him. It also doesn't help that his roommate forgot to tell Phil the date's name, so when he runs into a sexy stranger in the building during a blackout, Phil assumes it's him. Luckily, he's hot. So hot, Phil sheds both his inhibitions and his clothes! But when the lights come back on, Phil finds he wasn't his date after all... Getting stuck in an elevator isn't how reporter Clint Barton expected to meet his date. He's especially surprised when the cute stranger propositions him that same evening. Fortunately, Clint has always had trouble saying no. Then, when he finds out he slept with the wrong man, Clint doesn't think there's a problem. Now he just has to convince Phil how right things can be between them.

A Little Bit Dangerous: When undercover agent Phil Coulson walked away from Clint Barton, he left him with nothing but a broken heart. But when they reunited, neither one was prepared for the feelings that still existed - or for the truth lurking beneath the surface.

Eager and Eligible: Did you say hot sex? Thanks to a shipboard hypnotist, those very words transform prim-and-proper Phil Coulson into a Sexy Stripper. Easygoing Clint Barton has no idea what he's walked into when he rescues a boa-clad man from someone dressed as Pepe Le Pew. But as the feathers fly and passions ignite, this very eligible bachelor vows to show Phil he wants more than just hot sex.

Baby It's Cold Outside: At the stroke of midnight, trapped in diner by a snowstorm on New Year's Eve, Clint Barton finds himself holding Phil Coulson's baby boy. One night couldn't change a drifter into a family man... could it?

And a bonus Clint/Darcy, just because.

Game for Anything: A year ago, Clint Barton saved Darcy Lewis' life, and the sexy loner has been starring in her nightly fantasies ever since. But now Darcy's tired of dreaming. She needs to have Clint in her life, in her bed, so when she learns she's in danger - and that, once again, Clint is watching her every move - she decides to take what she wants. And poor Clint doesn't stand a chance... Clint isn't thrilled with his latest assignment. For a year he hasn't been able to get Darcy out of his head. But the spoiled princess is way out of his league. Still, guarding Darcy's delectable body has its perks, especially since she's quite willing to share it. So he's going to Plan B. He'll seduce her right out of his system. Only, the more games they play, the more he's hoping they'll end up tied.

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Substituting names in romance novel summaries with fandom pairings: GenKill Edition

Look But Don't Touch: Photographer Ray Person has no problem admitting he has a weakness for half-naked men. After all, he's gained national recognition for his men's underwear ads. Still, he's always very careful not to let any man get too close - until he has a fateful run-in with Texas Ranger Brad Colbert. And then he can't get him out of his clothes fast enough... Brad Colbert is a loner - and likes it that way. Only, since he shared a one-night stand with a sexy stranger, he's been out of sorts, suddenly wanting more. So when he learns he's getting a new assignment - to serve as a bodyguard to powerful businessman's new photographer - he's relieved. Until he realizes that the body he'll be guarding is the one that shared his bed.

Guilty Pleasures: Nate Fick has to get his act together - otherwise his backstreet restaurant will quickly become a been-there, done-that kind of thing. He risked everything to create his place, Guilty Pleasures, and he's willing to risk everything all over again just to save it. He doesn't have a plan but he does have Ray. Ray Person is a supersexy chef looking for a second chance. His once-four-star reputation is now no-star, thanks to a longtime rival. When Ray shows up on Nate's doorstep, he knows it means trouble, and not just for the restaurant. Soon he's not only sampling Ray's delectable dishes, he's sampling the chef himself. Together they cook up a sinful menu that garners many new patrons, but when opportunity knocks on Ray's door, with high-class offers, he must decide, as will Nate, what and who they truly desire.

Early Harvest: Nate Fick is spending his summer helping his students turn a trash-filled inner-city lot into a lush garden. There's only one problem - he and the children have to pack up their shovels and watering cans by fall because Brad Colbert, the handsome and ambitious owner of the lot, wants to turn it into a parking garage. Unless Nate can change his mind.

Love, Me: He was everyone's wildest desire, and where had that gotten rock music's bad boy, Ray Person? A career on the skids and a big blank zero in the romance score. But if he hooked sexy songwriter Walt Hasser, he'd at least have a fighting chance at having it all - a handsome hunk of man and a hit song. Now all he had to do was convince the elusive Mr Hasser that he could fulfill his wildest desires and more.

Bachelor of the Month: Sexy stockbroker Brad Colbert loves being in love. Unfortunately, in the past, he's been quick to propose that he's ended up leaving five brides at the altar. But now, through Texas Man Magazine, he's met gorgeous Ray Person, a man he wants to keep in his life - and his bed - permanently. He knows Ray's "the one." Too bad Ray has no intention of becoming Matrimonial Victim #6.